User blog:Snowdrake/I.H.T.C.A.I.C.L Part 1 - Soraka

SORAKA - the horny girl with the rod of mooning
'' DISCLAIMER: This blog is satirical and for entertainment purposes. If you do''

''not agree with my opinions, see Figure 1. If you are not 18 years or older,''

''see Figure 1. If you are curious what Figure 1 is, I am not going to tell you,''

''because... see Figure 1. Enjoy reading :)''

One of the more annoying champions to face (or play with) is Soraka. The mere proximity of a Soraka on your team will induce minor fits of rage, CAPSLOCKSYNDROME and various giggles. Also ragequits. While generally being accepted as a decent healer (no matter if Sona can heal 2 targets automatically with less cooldown...) Soraka is what experienced gamers like to term a "pwnmagnet". To summarize, here is a list of all things Soraka is good at:

1. Soraka will always die at least once per game. If your team is going 40/1, the arsehole who broke the streak will always be Soraka. No exceptions.

2. Soraka will die to minions. This is because Minions severely outdamage Soraka. The only exception would be a DPSSoraka or a Tanksoraka with a Sunfire Cape.

3. Soraka is really good at having a horn and not being happy to see you. Because everything that is able to see Soraka is able to kill Soraka, with the exception of another enemy Soraka. This will eventually cause a lot of hairpulling, bitchslapping, eyegouging and lots of namecalling - until someone else comes along and kills both. For example a casterminion.

For a Sorakaplayer, the whole world looks like a big middlefinger (see Figure 1). Even the Devs have removed the best survivabilityitem for the early Soraka (Innervating Locket) after nerfing her for... dunno 4 times in a row and disregarding her more than an unwanted stepchild with a limp and a speech impediment.

Why all the hate? Lets look at all the skills that Soraka offers:

Q - Starcall - Twinkles a lot and hits like a fluffy sock. The only reason why you want to use this is because all your other skills do even less damage, including your normal attacks AND the fact that it debuffs Magic Resistance by 8 points, for 20 stacks. Thats like... oh my god, -160 Magic Resist! This DOES sound useful! The real kick in the happysack here is that in order to put 20 stacks on someone, you have to be practically in hugging range for about 40-60 seconds. Given the average durability of a Soraka, you wont even make it to 2 stacks. Even a goddamn Garen would have trouble surviving in the middle of an enemy team for a minute. See Figure 1.

W - Healing Thingamabob - This is what Soraka is famous for. The phrase "Shut up and heal" comes to mind. Basically, your heal has a cooldown of about 14 seconds, which is like 2 teamfights or half the time of some other champions ultimate abilities. See, the whole problem is that it costs LUDICROUS amounts of mana with even more cooldown. The only reason why noone is really complaining about the horrendous manacost is because the cooldown is so long that not even Zilean could reduce it. The average Soraka counts the time during early laning in heals, which is approximately 7,8 heals. If you just buy Healing Potions, you get more healing for only 400 gold spent. Also, if someone dies, it is Sorakas fault. No discussion. See Figure 1.

E - Infuse - Sounds more like making a delicious tea, but is actually the only decent skill a Soraka has in her arsenal apart from pressing B a lot. You can generate Mana out of nowhere and transform champions like Kassadin or Annie, who use more mana than Amy Winehouse uses nasal baking powder, into unstoppable machines of pure hate. Nukers will feel like Jacques Chirac and degrade you into their own personal walking battery. UNFORTUNETELY this skill is also the main *nuke* (haha) which has an interesting silence effect on the enemy. While it hits for some reasonable damage (reasonable as in it will actually do over 100 damage), this will prevent you from doing your slaveduty for your laningpartner. If you were thinking of using this to lasthit minions, your teammate will complain about you stealing his money because "Soraka doesnt need no farking money to charge my mana". See Figure 1.

R - Wish - Global heal. I Wish this skill was not nerfed to less than 40% of its former power. See what I did there?

The most success I ever had as a Soraka was stacking Warmogs and using a Thornmail. Every enemy player will either hate Soraka and will attempt to kill on sight, or will see Soraka as easy target and will atempt to kill on sight. If you get really lucky, the enemy player might not realize this mistake and go afk for a coffee after rightclicking.

Ironically whenever I think of possible ways of making Soraka a viable champ, the only things I can think of is transforming her Horn into a comically huge chainsaw and make her headbutt people, or have her farting cruise missiles whenever she gets hit from behind. Sadly this will never happen because Riot is too busy modeling champs with huge knockers and we are too busy staring at them in high zoom mode.

I hate this champ. Q.E.D. IMPORTANT REFERENCES: ---            !            -            !             !           | |           !             !           | |           !             !           | |           !             !        .-.! !.-.        !             !      .-!  ! !  !.-.     !             !      ! !       !  ;     !             !      \           ;      !             !       \         ;       !             !        !       :        !             !        !       |        !             !        |       |        !             !                         !             ---                      Figure 1.