User blog comment:GreenMoriyama/Nine, the Magus of Elemancy (collab w-Lesdin)/@comment-4091261-20170913151704

Come on, that lore is pretty thicc. The story rounds Nine's character well by illustrating her personality in various moments in her life. There is plenty of exposition to imagine the surroundings. I was getting some serious Harry Potter vibes from Like Any Other Girl and onwards from the detailing.

When I first skimmed over Nine, I kept asking myself, "Who is Ifrit? What is this Ifrit? Who the hell is Ifrit? Yo, WHO DAFUQ IZ IFRIT?!" Didn't get the answer until endings. Even though it was kind of obvious in the middle of the story, I sure as hell got a good laugh when he swooped his ass in.

Just like any novel, I stepped out and stepped back in, to read, multiple times. I mean of course, by definition, novels are meant to be a length that should not be completed in one sitting. The detail let me imagine the setting much better through this, which was exemplary at the action scenes. However, one particular thing that is bugging me a hell of a lot is Eight's lengthy dialogues.

The large block of dialogue was really hard to swallow. I had to stop, go back. Stop again after reading a couple words. Go back, and then conclude...

"What?"

It got to the point where I was rereading it multiple times over the course of hours due to all of the breaks. It was quite difficult to attach imagery to his dialogue and brute forcing through it by reading out loud was strange due to how long the dialogue was.
 * I think segmenting the same dialogue with some action detail to convey body language would alleviate this load. I believe the issue is stemming from the fact that when we hear dialogue in reality, we are also simultaneously reading body language, which must be explicitly stated in written works to be conveyed.

Eight's thoughts and his short dialogue is fine, it's just these lengthy pieces that are cumbersome.

Boop=

Spoiler alert= Funny thoughts

Henri: "Trace on!"

I am the root of my carrot...

Unlimited Spear Works!

"Ifrit..."


 * perks up* "YE CALLED BITCH?"

"Let's do it..."


 * VROOM BITCH*

Henri: "YE CAN'T STOP MEH!"

Nine: "Wait for it..."

Henri: "Avada Kadavr-"

Nine: "Expelliarmus."

Henri: "GUH! You got me."