User blog comment:Double Slap/Zara, The Cryptic King/@comment-3391671-20170905093713

After quite a while, I am finally here. Life is life, right? Now onto what you had asked from me: a review.

I will admit, the kit is one thing I don't want to pick at. It's still bizarre as it had been before, and I would recommend someone else to give advice. I too can give my thoughts, but most of them will be closer to "that isn't going to work in League" than being anything truly constructive.

However, the theme... that is one long story. One of the reasons why I did not comment on till now, because I've been making sure I've read the whole story before giving this review. Now to cover what you had been worried about:
 * Story flows (specifically speed, density, and cohesion):
 * So story flow wise, I do believe you may not have paced it well. The reason as to why I say this is because the story begins short-per-chapter, but becomes extensively long later on. Some stories follow this format, but I believe little was deliberated early on, and too much has to be taken in with each following chapter. This is an issue between pace/speed and density, and I would recommend pulling the story through an accordion to see what can be squeezed to be less wordy, and what can be extended for more substance.
 * Cohesion seems to be a bit of an issue, as later chapters have it, but the early ones do not feel as strung up well. Only because this is all part of Zara's background do we know early stories such as Distant Memory are his. This comes in hand with density, as the aforementioned chapter lacks much details.
 * I would also create a theme about the chapters, as I can take it that the first two chapters are similar to "dream sequences" but we as the readers would not absorb it as such so easily. The format they are in currently is puzzling to people who don't know what's happening, and while some people like that aspect, I am not fully pleased.
 * Omitting instances of "{insert name here} said" or "asked {insert name here}":
 * I can see why someone may attempt to go in this direction. However, as you may already know, the use of "XX said/asked" can allow authors the ability to make characters show expressions. There is a grand difference between "XX said with excitement" than "XX dredged in a depressed tone." Without that, the reading of the story's tone will be all up to its reader, and that may not let the story be portrayed in the way you desire. The opposite may be true, that letting the reader's imagination go wild can be for the best, but when trying to tell a proper story, not some folktale, it is best if you are the musician creating the music for the audience. Only omit the "XX said" format when you feel like you are overusing it.
 * Personally, it is best if you keep to one perspective per chapter. The times I did change perspective in the course of a story is when important background information or character reactions could not be emulated without a shift in whose train of thought is being monitored. Of course, third-person can help mediate this issue, but makes dialogue and story less personal of an experience. In the sense of Zara, first person would work best for him. Move to third person when there is that bit of information that wouldn't be known by Zara himself.
 * You also just need to monitor content, and assure that characters known only what they know, and not know what they don't know. This is just as bad of the case as "puppet-master author" where the author pulls the strings on how characters move without recognizing what actions they would take, or what the consequences would be to them and their impression upon readers.
 * Deus ex Machina:
 * In a fantasy world such as League, trying to avoid "crazy events" from happening isn't as simple as being familiar with the concept of Deus ex Machina. I'm sure all writers find themselves making the mistake of creating a situation that is absurd, usually for the sake of setting in motion the plot.
 * Thus, in order to reduce the repercussion of implementations of DeM, you simply need to create a build up to the given event. As you may think, this can include foreshadowing along with steady progression that allows readers to know that the event is believable in the realms of the story. In the sense of your story, you've done well in avoiding as much as you can, but admittedly, some of the events in your story still did not flow well. They may not be Deux ex Machina events, but they surely felt a little forced. This goes hand in hand with what I had mentioned above about pace/density.

I've certainly seen ourselves clash on who to involve in stories, as seen with Izo with champions like. Thus, I won't take further to questioning why you include here so much. He fits in theme, but something about his presence sticks out like a wart upon the skin. It doesn't seem grounded. And it is likely because Zara is very lacking in who he is, likely contributed by the fact that he doesn't have memories. Nevertheless, I'm sure you get what I'm saying overall: the story looks interesting, but still needs lots of polishing.