User blog comment:BIA-Kaboose/The Piltover Struggle/@comment-5266525-20130522083829

I've got a high tolerance for this kind of story (years of experience reviewing stories over on FF.net, haha), so I managed to stomach the whole read over the tube this morning. As far as a story goes, it's fairly good, if a little thrown-together and jumpy.

Number one complaint is formatting. You know this already. The text is one big wall which makes it a pain to read for those without a decent zoom function. You'd make your blog ten times easier to read by just obeying one of the basic rules of storytelling and putting a new character's speech on a new line.

Another problem - run-on sentences. You know those times where you start reading a sentence and keep on expecting it to end at some point and then it continues on and you keep on having to reread what you just read and you keep on having to figure out what goes with what and it just makes your head spin and it gets annoying after too many? Yeah, those.

If you can't avoid usuing one, work out how to break it up using commas to give readers a pause midway through, though you'll have to learn to use it in moseration. Sometimes you sloppily used a comma in situations which really demands a connective verb alongside it like and, but or so.

Your spelling is fine, for the most part. Non-English speakers tend to ironically spell better than native ones. It's just your grammar that could use some work.

Finally, plot! I'll flat out tell you that you didn't retain the character lores here. Viktor working with Jayce, Graves working with Twisted Fate, Rumble working with Ziggs and Teemo... that's not realistic. Caitlyn herself doesn't have the power to really hold them all in line herself (and why she hand picked these exact champions to go on a raid mission is beyond me). I will give you credit for mostly retaining their personalities, which are accurate and stay true to their motives, albeit seeming almost slapped on at times.

I'd probably have gone even more in depth if I were at a computer, but I'm on my phone in a cafe at the moment, so I gotta just put up with it. Hope you find the critique useful.