User blog comment:Asfidyll/Sarabeth, the Angel's Sorrow/@comment-3391671-20171010030329

Hello Asfidyll. Have been looking over Sarabeth over the last week, but didn't find time till now to write a comment. Compared to what I usually write, I'll be brief and to the point for kit and theme/backstory.

Kit
From what I observe, Sarabeth possibly relies too much on setting up her crowns. She relies on it even more than the likes of or  if I had to say. Not that it is a bad thing implicitly... but the execution makes me feel that this won't be a popular Marksman to be used. I would point out how to make this kit more functional, but that would mean many buffs that may lead to the nerf of other values. Thus, I would recommend trying to make her kit have one or two abilities that can synchronize with the crowns but does not rely on them to be of proper use.

Theme/Backstory
I find that Sarabeth suffers most from the disconnect between her in-game "model" and her actual lore. To be specific, the crowns do not align with her magical abilities displayed in her lore. Meanwhile, her quotes and title feel one-dimensional in that she becomes conceited and full of herself, as if she believes she is more just than Demacia itself; it has been done before, but RITO has done better than to make characters simply just that. Yes, the lore could lead to these qualities, but there is no explanation why she hurls crowns and is called "the weeping angel." These two qualities feel like they were implemented by you, the writer, with not as much reasoning detailed in the story. In truth, I would recommend moving away from the crowns and the "weeping and angry" aspects as they feel more forced than natural to Sarabeth's character.

The lore bit itself also have some plot holes. The parents have doing their best so that their children do not get found out, yet a single early bird morning is enough to bypass this part. Even when the twin sister does go out on her own, she receives no retribution or scolding from her parents for essentially endangering the family. If the family is endangered, they would flee at once instead of staying in the city where they might get murdered for "witchcraft." By being spotted by a young 5 year old who may not likely know the family well at all, the family is fully butchered by Demacia soldiers (of course, except for Sarabeth who somehow escapes). Having Lux comment on Sarabeth feels out of character, as if Lux is omniscient of who Sarabeth is; I find Sarabeth's retaliation to be much more violent than what Lux could easily forgive. And a few bits more. In the end, I also would criticize how her twin's undoing caused Sarabeth grief; I would expect a little drama of Sarabeth being upset with her twin taking the risks.

Looks-wise... I might not pleased to see "midriffs" so casually. I'm personally against sexualizing characters who do not need to be sexualized. The "Twin halos hover around her gauntlets at the wrists" idea also sounds out-of-nowhere for someone who is on the run. "that have seen much blood, and felt much pain" is superfluous details in a section meant to describe physical aspects (you could instead describe "sunken eyes that has seen much despair" and that alone is enough).