User blog comment:GreenMoriyama/Izo, the Blizzard Prince/@comment-4091261-20160414203449

WOOP WOOP ~(*~* )~

Now that is a beautiful exposition~! You managed the apparent issue with age quite well. This is the beginning of a novel--something that all lores should be like in games like these. There is an adequate personality for the main characters and the supporting ones give a solid backdrop. The only issues I see with this story are grammatical ones.

Some examples of the grammar errors; "There is no time to waste time," and the ellipsis at the beginning of dialogue. Small repetition errors are easily fixed by reading over the text again. An ellipse on the other hand implies a brief pause in a mellow tone. An ellipsis normally shouldn't be at the beginning if using it for this reason as ellipsis are essentially a fade out for dialogue. That said you should remove every ellipsis at the beginning of dialogue. When they are used in such a manner, it is to omit pieces of information--which you aren't doing. In fact, there is a stronger emotional effect by explicitly saying that someone paused and giving meticulous detail of the character's body language.

This is something to keep in mind for the future stories, but leave the revision until the end. It is more important to expand a story than to fix minor mistakes. When you are done expanding the story, or can't think of any ideas for expanding the story, you should then start revising. Reason being is that revision doesn't always work the first time. Sometimes I find myself revising the same article 10 times and still not have it perfect.

That aside, I am really curious as to what this merchant story is all about. This story was present from the very beginning. I can't really suggest any direction due to how disconnected the story is to the main one. What is the general direction this story is going in?